Signs

Wherever I look at the moment I seem to see things which give me strength or which provide answers to the many questions I’m asking right now.  As well as meditation I have found myself starting to pray regularly and my prayers are being answered on a basis that is too regular to be mere coincidence.

‘We cannot create a new, extraordinary life on top of a past that is riddled with incomplete projects, broken agreements and unresolved issues’ someone in California posts on Twitter.  To which someone adds wisely ‘Like trying to build on sand in a Tsunami zone’.

This made me understand better than anything the healing process that I, together with the rest of my close family, are going through at the moment. I keep having the recurring thought that I woke to a few weeks back ‘Healer heal thyself’ and instinctively know I need to get my own house in order to be best able to serve others.  I am sure that the healing is well under way but it has been a pretty turbulent week while we start shedding the layers of negative energy caused by years of pain, disappointment, anger, fear and judgement of others.

‘Come to the edge’, he said.  They said, ‘We are afraid.’ ‘Come to the edge’, he said. They came. He pushed them… And they flew – Peter McWilliams’ an enlightened soul in Canada posts.

This for me completely summed up how my life has been so totally transformed in such a short space of time; why Alcoholics Anonymous works so well for desperate people seeing a way out from their addictions; why people who have had a near death experience radiate peace and see the world with new eyes; where the phrase ‘Born again’ comes from. The past fifteen years have been pretty bloody awful, heavily marked by periods of deep depression, cancer, long-term financial worries and deepening marital problems. I ask myself every day how our family have survived this far intact. But the moment I finally reached the point when I felt so totally, utterly desperate that I got down on my knees and asked for Divine help an abundance of the right guidance and people and were immediately moved into my life so I could begin this amazing spiritual journey.

Whilst there is still much work ahead of me, I am very much starting to ‘get it’. However, my husband has really been struggling, still locked in the same cycle of fear and worry. This is an honest account of my experiences, so I won’t lie. I have wondered many times whether I would be better off just walking away from all his negativity and starting over in a more positive environment. But, as my Reiki teacher Laura pointed out, there was surely love there once, otherwise why get married, and if issues are left unresolved the likelihood is that they will come back to bite me in another setting. And I do love my husband; I’ve just been incredibly frustrated, judgemental and lacking in compassion. So, yet again, I prayed. But for the first time in my life I prayed for him; I prayed for someone else.

Over recent nights, sensing overwhelming amounts of negative energy, I have asked for protection from Archangel Michael, for him to help my husband release his fears and allow him to find his own way forward in life. Every night I have seen bright blue/indigo sparks, as if to reassure me that he is there, and every night I have had a slight ringing in my ears like they are slightly blocked which I have read is often associated with angels.  Night after night, without either of us prompting it, I have felt healing energy surging through my own body to that of my husband and during the day I have felt as if I’ve been on a roller coaster ride in a washing machine on the spin setting.  But this is nothing compared to what my husband has been feeling.  The morning after I first prayed for angel intervention my husband woke up and immediately violently threw up. No one else in our family has been ill, nor have we been in contact with anyone who has been poorly or eaten anything vaguely suspicious. He said he felt like his eyeballs were spinning round and round ‘inside his head and he had a blinding headache and had to return to bed for the rest of the day. ‘Take your hex off me’ he joked, so it was obvious to me he thought it was the Reiki causing his discomfort.  The following day he slunk into a depression as deep as I have ever seen in the 27 years we have been together; he parked himself in front of the telly staring into space and the only words he uttered all day were insults. I was quick to reassure my girls that I believed it was part of the healing process and that the best thing they could do was to shrug off his appalling behaviour and show him as much love as they could muster.

More prayers from me yesterday, ‘Please help him to snap out of this and restore some positive energy to our household’.  Within seconds there was a knock at the door and he had to get off the sofa and help me entertain unexpected visitors. Putting a cheerful face on life for others instantly lifted him to a happier place when they left.

For my part I feel as if layers and layers of negativity are gradually being stripped away. Giving Reiki to my alcoholic stepfather, the reason why I left home at 16 and why I felt incredibly rejected by my mum for many years, was incredibly cathartic for both of us. Forgiving my mum for this rejection (which of course, was never a rejection) and understanding that she simply needed another adult to share her life was another momentous release for me.  Yesterday when I came out of my meditation I found I had tears rolling down my cheeks and I immediately thought of a much-loved pony who I have been missing deeply.  Physically I find myself having stopped drinking alcohol altogether and eating far less meat than usual, instead increasing my vegetables.  I’m exercising more and taking time out for myself to go for long walks with the dog. When I wake from sleep it is almost always to some sort of constructive thought that has ‘popped into my head’ which offers another step out of our current unhealthy situation. ‘Do this’ or ‘Contact this person’.  Perhaps most significantly of all, for the first time in my life I feel more concerned about doing good for others than being wrapped up in my own misery.  We are moving forward quickly, and in a pure and wonderful way.