Letting go

I didn’t think there were any more layers to peel but I have just woken from the most terrifying dream in which I received the news that my cancer had come back and was bigger than before.  It was incredibly vivid and I felt every emotion as I did when I received the initial diagnosis; fear, anger or more precisely a furious rage, bewilderment, incredulity, sheer terror at the thought of not being around to see my girls grow up.  It was preceded by a feeling of complete exhaustion, so much so that I had to take myself back to bed yesterday afternoon, although there was absolutely nothing ‘wrong’ with me. I had been on the cusp of sleep for most of the night, being aware of the energies pulsing through my body, and at times having a (completely painless) sensation almost as if someone was ‘digging’ in my leg. When my alarm went off this morning I was repeating over and over in my head the mantra ‘I am in perfect health, I am in perfect health, I am in perfect health’. This morning I have a blinding headache and feel absolutely shattered, the kind of tiredness that you would recognise if you have experienced acute or long-term illness, grief or our good old friend chemotherapy.

I honestly thought that I was ok with the fact that I’d had cancer and had moved on, but clearly the terror has remained on a very deep-seated level.  I felt sick to my stomach when I awoke.  A lot has been written recently about the energy of the moment being about letting go and releasing old negativities, so I can recognise this for what it is.

Yesterday I had been reading about being aware of your inner guidance (check out the wonderful #SoulCall on Twitter), and before I nodded back off to sleep in the night I had prayed that the guidance I was being given would be made a bit more obvious so that I could find the right path. Well, that was about as obvious as it gets. This morning my head is screaming over and over ‘Change your life!!!’ and it suddenly seems blindingly obvious that I have somehow fallen back into the old routine of working all hours at a job that I’m no longer passionate about, just to make ends meet. I’ve slipped back into precisely the old, joyless patterns that I had sworn had made me ill in the first place. Ok, ok, I hear you loud and clear, and believe me, I’m ready for a change. However, that eternal problem - needing to feed the family - remains so my inevitable next question is ‘Now what?’